Monday, December 29, 2008
i hate driving, esp by myself. while driving, i always get images of me getting into an accident. whether it be while passing a stupid semi truck and they lose control and run me off the road or me not paying attention to the road and and driving into the ditch. i think of these scenarios and then i have mini panic attack. i think i'm crazy because i think i like this. it's not normal to have such tragic thoughts.
i do this whenever i have friends and family traveling too. last summer my parents went on a motorcycles trip and i kept having thoughts of them getting into accidents. it went so far that i thought about what their funeral would be like and how i would sell their house. i made my mom call me and keep me updated at every stop they made, which i think kind of annoyed her although my stepdad kept reminding her to call me. these are horrible thoughts and i hate it. it's disturbing.
christmas was good, although i'm glad it's over. i went back to my hometown for 4 days. holidays are hard. my parents are divorced and it's difficult to find time for everyone.
i went to montana christmas day to see my dad's side of the family. i definitely am the outsider and feel like i'm not related to any of them. they are all small town people, farmers, drinkers and hunters. my uncle was already drunk at 10 am then proceeded to go shoot a deer at 2 pm. don't get me wrong, i am not against hunting, but i don't think its necessary to go hunting while being over the legal limit. my other uncle who has only lived on the farm his entire life (he's 40) kept making fun of me by saying i was a full time babysitter. that pissed me off completely but had to pretend it didn't. if he only had a clue what i went through on a daily basis he wouldn't even think to joke about it. teaching is nowhere near like babysitting. i love my family to death, but i was glad to leave that day.
i am so broke right now. i feel like i haven't been this broke since college and it sucks. i'm heading to see Bison today. i'm going to stay until saturday. 5 days...it's going to be a true test to see if i get annoyed or not. when i get home saturday i have to work at the bar. i offered to pick up as many shifts as i could since the money situation isn't looking so good for me right now. no one was too willing to give me their shift, but at least i got one. that's better than nothing.
Bison and i keep arguing about what to do new year's eve. i think it's overrated and i would rather stay home or do something somewhat low key. i've never had a fun new years eve...hopefully this year will be different. it'll be interesting to see what we end up doing.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
so Bison texted me this morning...this was our conversation
him: hey babe good morning, hope you have a great day! (he does this everyday, it's actually very sweet)
me: you too, i miss you!
him: is it cold there?
me: a little, the radio said -20...haha;)
him: oh, it's only -15 here. you should move here.
i can't believe he said that. i honestly believe he thinks in the back of his mind that i would change my mind and move there someday. him mentioning that could start another arguement. great.
it really sucks that he lives 3 hours away. i have went on dozens of dates over the past 3 years and rarely did any of those guys make it past the first date. and the 2 guys that i allowed myself to have feelings for weren't ready to be in a relationship and just wanted to be "friends". which i guess did work out for the best because looking back they were toolbags. now i find someone that makes me laugh, is caring, mature, and is a total sweetheart to me and i can't even see him when i want.
i really wouldn't move to his town to be with him. i know this is selfish and i should at least consider it but at this point that's not happening. i KNOW in my heart i would hate it there and grow to resent him because of it.
if he starts making more comments like he did this morning about me moving there, i'm gonna get pissed. every discussion we've had about the distance and our future, i've made it perfectly clear that i wouldn't move. and he said he likes the town i live in and had thought about moving here right after his divorce. he didn't because he got a huge raise to stay. if he likes it where i live and i hate it where he lives, then he should move here, right? and i don't mean like tomorrow or anything, i mean in a year or two (pending if things are still working out). i just feel so selfish for thinking this way, even if it is the truth.
i just have a feeling a year is going to go by and i'm going to end up getting my heart broken because of the distance. i can just see it...he won't be able to move because of his job. i know i shouldn't be so pessimistic, but things haven't ever worked out for me in the past so it's super hard to be postive about relationships in general.
i shouldn't think so far into the future but it's hard, especially with the feelings i have for him. i also think after 4 months of dating i'm putting the cart before the horse and i should live in the present. but i wouldn't even bother dating someone if i didn't see a future with them. and i do see a future with Bison, as long as he would move here. i honestly wouldn't even ask him to do that, but he had said he liked it here. so....am i really being selfish or just practical?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
it would be fabulous if work was canceled tomorrow.
i am beginning to not like christmas. i usually like buying things for people. but this year, nobody will tell me what they want and i still have like 3 gifts to give. i like to be done shopping by now, as i HATE crowded stores. when i am in a crowded store i honestly have a panic attack. i start sweating and get dizzy and want to get the heck out of there. i wanted to try to finish up by tomorrow, but-it is supposed to be -45 degrees with the wind chill...no joke. i doubt i will even be going to the bank to deposit my check.
my birthday is on wednesday but we are celebrating it today. and when i say we i mean me, my sister (K) and her boyfriend (D). i invited C over for supper, but i doubt she'll make it with the 6 ft tall snow drifts all over. K made me breakfast and is making me shrimp primavera for supper. and i think they got me a ice cream cake! whoo hoo!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
he ended up calling me. Bison asked if i was mad and i told him i needed an apology for him hanging up on me. this is his apology..."I'm really sorry for hanging up on you babe, BUT I didn't like the things you were saying". wow...what a sincere apology!!! we talked for maybe ten minutes, the conversation ended with him saying he was going to bed and didn't want to argue anymore, which was more than fine by me.
we NEVER used to argue. i don't get it, and i really don't even understand what we're arguing about. in my opinion, relationships shouldn't be hard. they should be easy and fun. if it's gets stressful, then really what's the point?
Monday, December 8, 2008
we started talking about the distance thing (i know it hasn't been 3 months but it got brought up). we kinda were arguing about it and got off the phone angry. he emailed me and i read it last thursday. it more or less said that things have changed...before he knew he wanted to move to my town and would do anything for us to be together. this email more or less said that it now may not happen because of this new job. WTF?
i went to see him then on friday and things were...awkward. he said i was being standoffish. i honestely just didn't have anything to say and that email was on my mind. we talked about it a little on saturday and i thought things were good. we went for supper, went to a hockey game and went out for drinks after. a perfect night.
sunday came and not so perfect. we just started arguing about dumb stuff and he pretty much said he didn't know if there was a future for us. and THEN he told me he didn't think I wanted to be in a relationship. i said listen here buddy, i changed my myspace status, i call you my boyfriend, i tell my friends about you and you met my family. i know that's no big deal for some people, but that is flipping HUGE for me! i have never done those things for christsakes! i have made SO much progress in the last 4 months, i sometimes wonder what came over me. he didn't want me to leave angry so we sort of made up (which really means i was still pissed but said things were "fine").
so then i felt bad about things and called him last night to apologize and explain myself. i told him that his email scared me and made me want to put my walls back up to save myself the heartbreak. i said i was sorry, i just don't know how else to deal with things, as i've been hurt repeatedly in the past. i told him that that's me at my worst, and if he couldn't handle it i understood. and what did he do....HE FUCKING HUNG UP ON ME. yes, that man who didn't want me leaving until things were resolved hung up on me. and he wonders why i'm pesimistic about things...
i texted him:
me: did you really hang up on me right now?
him: i said goodnight. (i did NOT hear it)
him: i told you not to say those things anymore.
him: i wish you didn't say hurtful things to me.
like is this for real? he doesn't like something i say so he punishes me like i'm 4 and hangs up on me? wow...what a slap in the face. i have no desire to talk to him right now either...i think i would loose it. i cried so hard last night to the point that i almost threw up. i haven't felt that bad in years. so of course today i have a pounding headache and a puffy face.
i am quickly reminded that although relationships can sometimes be great, but the not-so-great stuff that comes along with it may not be worth it...i really just want to give up and say fuck it, as i am happy being single. i just really thought i had something with him...
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
things with Bison are super good. he is so amazing and i am lucky to have him in my life. he stayed with me saturday on his way back from hunting and we just sat and talked for over 3 hours. not once did i have the urge to turn on the tv or fall asleep. it was a good conversation. he met my mom last thursday on his way to go hunting...i had anxiety about that. i have never had my mom meet a boyfriend. my long term ex she had already known, and no other guys were good enough for me to take home. so this was huge. she really liked him and told me to hold on to him.
i hate christmas shopping...it should be a joyous and fun time of year but it just makes me crabby. salespeople are very unhelpful, other shoppers push, and the lines are ridiculous. i swear, next year i'm starting in april.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
it is not only snowing, but it's a flipping blizzard. absolutely ridiculous. why i live here...no idea whatsoever. i HATE being cold, yet it is cold here 8 months out the year. i can't even see out the window cause there is so much snow caked on it.
good thing about the blizzard...parent/teacher conferences were postponed till next week. bad thing about blizzard...parent/teacher conferences were postponed till next week. i had one night of them last night and really wanted to just get them over with tonight. but then again i was exhausted and couldn't imagine putting in another 13 hour day.
i was supposed to go see Bison tomorrow...pretty sure interstate is closed at the moment. it's supposed to clear up tomorrow afternoon but i don't really believe those weather guys. another con about long distance relationships in ND-that mother nature decides when and how often two people can see each other 8 months out the year.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
between halloween, working two jobs and getting ready for parent/teacher conferences i seriously have had no life whatsoever. i was sleeping by 9:30 last night and didn't even get to see the last part of the hills. but, i woke up at 5:30 this morning and they were replaying it (imagine that) so i got to see that heidi got fired!! man, spencer is a douche...every time he pops his weaselly face into an episode i want to change the channel.
i did remember to watch jon and kate plus 8. i love those little kids, they are SO cute. then the duggarts were on, 17 and counting. really?!? 17 children! her vagina is like a clown car!
i start conferences tomorrow. i do them wed and thurs till like 8 each night. that means i will be working for 13 hours each day....ew. but, i get friday, monday and tuesday off so that is a plus. i'm going to see bison this weekend. we are going to the Buckcherry concert sunday night, i am definitely pumped for that.
also, an ex (we'll call him the Spencer of Fargo) had checked my myspace page and saw i was dating someone. he wrote to me to ask about it. my life became none of his business when he decided he didn't want to hang out with me anymore. it's not like we were friends before we dated, why would we be friends now?? i think he's an arrogant person. i think only in certain situations you can be friends with an ex. in this case with the Spencer of Fargo....no such luck. and it just so happens that this guy knows Bison, because he works with Bison's ex-wife. god, it sounds like a soap opera. it just irritates me that he even asked me about it, because like i mentioned, we are not friends. i guess if i saw him on the street i'd say hi, but i would never call, text or email him. and the fact that i let it bother me, bothers me even more.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
she can't seem to EVER put shit away. we do have to share the kitchen so this is a problem. for example, i come home today and the dishwasher is unloaded BUT all of the dam dishes from it are sitting on the counter. really?! like it's so hard to reach that extra 2 feet and put them in the cupboard?
or somebody will eat crackers or peanuts and when they are finished they leave them on the counter. so annoying!! walk the extra foot and put them back in the pantry!!
i clean up after children all day long, the last thing i want to do is come home and clean up after my 28 year old sister and her 29 year old boyfriend. perhaps i need to give them a lesson on "how to be responsible"...
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Bison got here like at 6 and i made him supper. it was a huge success...i didn't burn the house down and nobody got sick.
we had a good conversation about the distance thing. i told him i was scared to put too much time or feelings into this. he said he completely understood and saw my point of view. he agreed with me but also said that he wants me in his life. i said that it would be easier to end things now than a year from now. he once again agreed with me and once again said he still wanted me in his life. i told him i would never move to where he lived...it's too big of place, it's too cold (yes, i understand this is ND and everywhere is cold, but on the east side of the state it is at least 10 degrees colder), it's too far away from my family and i think it's more of a party/college city. i told him i wouldn't even move there for him, because i know i would grow to resent him for it. he said he would move to where i live, but he just got this new job that is paying him outrageously well. i can't expect him to give that up for my $20,000 a year job. he asked if i just wanted to end it now....when he said that i got a pit in my stomach and made me super sad. i'm not ready to not have him in my life. i told him that we should give it 3 months of not talking or thinking about it and then see where things are then. he thought that was a good idea. and it may be kinda dumb to do that, but i really enjoy his company, he makes me laugh and most importantly i'm not annoyed with him. no point in stressing about it now, i just am going to take it one day at a time.
i'm amazed that i'm in a healthy relationship where i can have an adult conversation. what i mean by this is that i can say my thoughts and feelings about anything and i don't get belittled for it or yelled at for it...my Long Term Relationship i once had was like that. i feel i can say anything to Bison and he actually listens to me...not just goes "uh huh, yea". he responds and asks questions about things.
Friday night we watched The Strangers. keeps you on your seat and definitely scary, but a dumb ending.
we lounged around,watched a movie, went for a walk and then went to the corn maze with my co-workers that night. it was okay but really cold and windy. after that Bison and i went to a bar and my sister, her boyfriend of some others met us there. he got pretty drunk and i wasn't even annoyed with him. i didn't drink a whole lot, i'm still not feeling good.
we just hung out all day...my sister made us breakfast and supper. i live in the basement of my sister and boyfriends house. everyone got along great and we all watched football together. it was a nice, relaxing day...Bison just left and i'm already kinda missing him. it's weird to actually want to be around someone and not get irritated with them. i don't even know the last time i hung out with a guy who didn't bother the shit out of me. it's kinda a nice feeling...
Friday, October 24, 2008
C and i can have fun doing anything. one time, C, me and Darlene* had fun drinking wine and playing shower pictionary (fully clothed). one person would open the dictionary and randomly find a word then draw a picture of it in the shower with bath crayons while the other two would sit on the floor and try to guess what it was. i don't like to toot my own horn or anything, but i did get to take the bragging rights of winning home on the one (toot, toot). it may sound dumb, but in ND sometimes we have to make our own fun.
Bison will be here tonight. i am going to attempt to make him supper. i don't cook, so it should be interesting. i feel like i owe it to him. last time i was there he made me supper and breakfast, which was awesome. he's a great cook...which makes me all the more nervous to make something for him. oh well, if he doesn't like it, he'll just have to deal with it.
* Darlene is girl who C and i used to hang out with. we all were like the 3 musketeers and even got matching tattoos on our foot. Darlene then moved to the Minnesota and changed completely. she has been through ND on her way back to her hometown numerous times in the last year, and has not once bothered to call. i haven't talked to her in over a year, and now Darlene is pulling some shit on C and C is getting tired of it. it's really sad, because us three had an amazing friendship (or so i thought) and i have no idea what went wrong with it. i hope if i did anything to offend Darlene that she would have told me. oh well...people come into your life for a reason or a season. i guess she was just the season....
Thursday, October 23, 2008
i teach at a Montessori school, which is private. there are only 4 classrooms with like 100 kids in the whole school. it has it perks like having summers, holidays, and weekends off. Then again, the pay sucks big time which is why i occasionally fill in at a bar when necessary. is it really that wrong to be a teacher AND a barmaid? anyway, it'll be nice to have to day off tomorrow to run errands, clean and take a nap.
bison will be here tomorrow night...i'm pretty excited to see him. not so sure where this "relationship" is going though. he just got a new job offer that he accepted today. he mentioned that he could see himself at that company for the rest of his life. i am extremely happy for him, as it was a 20% pay raise.
we live 2.5 hours away from each other. i don't have any desire to ever move to the city he lives in and he clearly isn't going anywhere in the future. i know i shouldn't think so far into the future (or like i always say "put the cart before the horse") but what's the point of even getting involved with someone if you never will live in the same town as them? maybe i should have thought about this relationship thing a little bit better....
Monday, October 20, 2008
i was sick all weekend and even stayed home from work today. when people find out i'm sick, they say, "you're ALWAYS sick". well i wonder why...could it be because i constantly have 4 years olds sneezing and coughing in my face? or because it's on a rare occasion that they actually use a kleenex when they have something in their nose? or the fact that they seem to always forget to wash their hands? ugh...really people. i hate missing work, it makes me feel guilty and way behind on things, especially with parent/teacher conferences coming up.
over the weekend, i got a drunk text from an ex, who is now married. i dated him for like a month about 4 years ago when i was on a break from the Long Term Relationship. he was a nice guy, it ended because i decided to get back together with the ex. needless to say a couple months after we dated, Married guy moved to a different town. throughout the last 4 years, every couple months i would get random text messages from him saying he missed me and that he still thought about me all the time. i found out through friends that he eventually moved in with his girlfriend. when i asked him about it he said it "was for financial reasons only". okay, whatever. then i find out he's engaged, which he would never mention over his random 'miss you' texts. in july, he texted me saying he missed me and that he was at a bachelor party. well to find out, it was his bachelor party. a month later, he got married. i thought that would have been the last time i heard from him. but i was wrong. very early sunday morning i get a text message:
Married guy: Hey
Me: Hey, what's up?
MG: Nothing, I'm wasted.
Me: I figured as much, since you're texting me.
MG: Sorry for contacting you. I shouldn't have.
MG: I'm married!! (let me remind you, he has never mentioned his engagement, or marriage in all the late-night 'miss you' texts)
Me: Then you should be apologizing to you WIFE, not me.
MG: Sorry for contacting you. My bad.
Me: Yea, your bad. Please delete my number.
i don't get some people!! i haven't even seen this guy in 4 years, or led him on in any way, shape or form. at one point a couple years ago after some late night texts, i e-mailed him saying i would not be friends with him unless his girlfriend knew about it. he obviously didn't understand that. i feel bad for his wife, she probably has no clue how he has randomly texted me the last couple of years. he's a douche.
things like that happening is why i'm unsure if i even believe in marriage. some people are shady and very untrustworthy. that's my fear, that i will be married and my husband would cheat. in my Long Term Relationship, i got cheated on all the time. it was horrible. i always thought i could get past it and forgive and forget, but in reality that never happened. i just see so many relationships end because of people being unfaithful. Bison was married for about 2 years (i think), his wife cheated on him. i think it's amazing how he's willing to put his all into another relationship and be so trusting and to still believe in marriage. i was just in a shitty relationship and i'm not sure i believe in it. my parents got divorced when i was about 4, my sister got divorced after 1.5 years of marriage, my college roommate got divorced after 1 year on marriage...she's now 25, with one kid and on her second marriage. i honestly think i will be okay if i never walk down that aisle. i don't know, maybe someday someone will prove to me that marriage does actually work...
Saturday, October 18, 2008
so for the past week i've been thinking about changing my myspace status from 'single' (which is always has been, since i started myspace) to 'in a relationship'. today i sit down on the computer to do it and i freeze. my palms start sweating, hands start shaking and my heart is racing. i mean really, what is my problem?!?!? it's just a click of a button, not a ring on my finger.
over the last 3 years i have went on NUMEROUS dates, some good some bad. some of those dates even led me to hang out with that person for a couple weeks. but i have never even considered changing my status as i knew it wasn't going anywhere with those guys. like i mentioned, i like Bison a lot and can actually see myself with him for more than a month. i think i'm just terrified that i will end up getting hurt again or losing my independence. when i was in my long term relationship 3 years ago, i relied on my BF for everything and always planned things around him. over the last couple years i have become a independent person...i go to Christmas parties/weddings by myself and i love my alone time. i don't rely on anyone but myself. i think i'm scared that if i am in a relationship again, that indepedence that i've worked so hard on will go away. i know i just need to get over this because i would be so mad at myself if things with Bison went bad because of my lame issues. i may need therapy...