Saturday, October 18, 2008

just a click of a button...

okay, so i've been single for approximately 3 years. my last serious relationship lasted 6.5 years (on and off but mostly on), and let me just say it...it was NOT a good relationship. over the last 2 months i've started hanging out with this guy, Bison, who i really like. he makes me laugh which is SO important to me, and he is a good, genuine person. i've been trying to get used the idea of having a "boyfriend". i hate labels, i think they are dumb. but when people ask if i have a boyfriend, i think i should start saying yes. and actually, the word itself kinda gives me a panic attack. Bison is great, he really is. the only problem is that he lives 2.5 hours away. some people think that's a good thing for me, since i do get sick/annoyed with guys very easily. i was at Bison's house last weekend, so i spent a total of 42 hours with him and didn't annoyed in the least. that was huge for me!! i don't want to hang out with other guys, and i definitely don't want him to be hanging out with other girls. so that would make him my "boyfriend", right?

so for the past week i've been thinking about changing my myspace status from 'single' (which is always has been, since i started myspace) to 'in a relationship'. today i sit down on the computer to do it and i freeze. my palms start sweating, hands start shaking and my heart is racing. i mean really, what is my problem?!?!? it's just a click of a button, not a ring on my finger.

over the last 3 years i have went on NUMEROUS dates, some good some bad. some of those dates even led me to hang out with that person for a couple weeks. but i have never even considered changing my status as i knew it wasn't going anywhere with those guys. like i mentioned, i like Bison a lot and can actually see myself with him for more than a month. i think i'm just terrified that i will end up getting hurt again or losing my independence. when i was in my long term relationship 3 years ago, i relied on my BF for everything and always planned things around him. over the last couple years i have become a independent person...i go to Christmas parties/weddings by myself and i love my alone time. i don't rely on anyone but myself. i think i'm scared that if i am in a relationship again, that indepedence that i've worked so hard on will go away. i know i just need to get over this because i would be so mad at myself if things with Bison went bad because of my lame issues. i may need therapy...

3 comments:

Keep moving forward said...

yea!!! You have your blog up and running. Isn't it great! You know I totally understand that whole being single thing, I don't want to give up my independence yet either. Yes, you might need therapy..haha. jk

Fem said...

I'm so glad that you started a blog!! I know what you mean about the fear of losing your independence. I get the same thing!

As for the "boyfriend" label, sometimes that's tricky. Has he said anything to allude to his being your boyfriend?

Live For Today said...

I really love the background! Welcome!