i think i'm crazy

i just drove 3 hours to see Bison...he is still at work.

i hate driving, esp by myself. while driving, i always get images of me getting into an accident. whether it be while passing a stupid semi truck and they lose control and run me off the road or me not paying attention to the road and and driving into the ditch. i think of these scenarios and then i have mini panic attack. i think i'm crazy because i think i like this. it's not normal to have such tragic thoughts.

i do this whenever i have friends and family traveling too. last summer my parents went on a motorcycles trip and i kept having thoughts of them getting into accidents. it went so far that i thought about what their funeral would be like and how i would sell their house. i made my mom call me and keep me updated at every stop they made, which i think kind of annoyed her although my stepdad kept reminding her to call me. these are horrible thoughts and i hate it. it's disturbing.

glad the holidays are almost over!

i feel like i haven't blogged in such a long time! i have so many to catch up on.

christmas was good, although i'm glad it's over. i went back to my hometown for 4 days. holidays are hard. my parents are divorced and it's difficult to find time for everyone.

i went to montana christmas day to see my dad's side of the family. i definitely am the outsider and feel like i'm not related to any of them. they are all small town people, farmers, drinkers and hunters. my uncle was already drunk at 10 am then proceeded to go shoot a deer at 2 pm. don't get me wrong, i am not against hunting, but i don't think its necessary to go hunting while being over the legal limit. my other uncle who has only lived on the farm his entire life (he's 40) kept making fun of me by saying i was a full time babysitter. that pissed me off completely but had to pretend it didn't. if he only had a clue what i went through on a daily basis he wouldn't even think to joke about it. teaching is nowhere near like babysitting. i love my family to death, but i was glad to leave that day.

i am so broke right now. i feel like i haven't been this broke since college and it sucks. i'm heading to see Bison today. i'm going to stay until saturday. 5 days...it's going to be a true test to see if i get annoyed or not. when i get home saturday i have to work at the bar. i offered to pick up as many shifts as i could since the money situation isn't looking so good for me right now. no one was too willing to give me their shift, but at least i got one. that's better than nothing.

Bison and i keep arguing about what to do new year's eve. i think it's overrated and i would rather stay home or do something somewhat low key. i've never had a fun new years eve...hopefully this year will be different. it'll be interesting to see what we end up doing.

holiday program, they're gonna choke...

on friday i had to work at school and the bar...ew. talk about a LONG day. having to deal with drunk people is very similar to dealing with 4 year olds, and doing that for 14 hours in one day got the best of me.

Bison was also here this weekend. the weekend went very well and we go along wonderfully. he brought me my birthday present, and i love it. he may be the best boyfriend ever. this is kinda what it looks like, but handle is different...

it's not real, but it's pretty dam close and nobody is gonna know the difference. his sister in law sells fakes (illegally), so that's where he got it. i really do love it.

on saturday we went to a co-workers surprise b-day party and it was tons of fun. i got a little drunk and apparently was jump roping with travel's scarf singing "strawberry shortcake, blueberry pie, i got a picture of the cutest guy". and yes, there is video of this...dumb camera phones. (travel is a co-worker that introduced me to blogging..check her out, travel without a map) i don't feel too embarrassed about it, as travel had huge balloons shoved down her shirt and was using them as a cup holder. haha...

tonight is our holiday program for the school. i am so nervous and i think my class is gonna choke. they don't pay attention and the song they sing is super fast. it's def gonna be a disaster. i know i should have faith, but after them sounding like shit today in practice and being completely off, i'm scared for them. lets just hope they pay attention and keep their fingers out of their noses...

LD relationships suck

omg...today my students drove me NUTS! they were loud all day, they were whiny, and argued with each other every chance they got. i wanted to lock them in the classroom and just let them duke it out with each other and the last one standing wins. i know thats horrible to say, but it was really that bad of a day. i told them i hope they behave better tomorrow cause it's my birthday. guilt usually works with 4 year olds.

so Bison texted me this morning...this was our conversation

him: hey babe good morning, hope you have a great day! (he does this everyday, it's actually very sweet)

me: you too, i miss you!

him: is it cold there?

me: a little, the radio said -20...haha;)

him: oh, it's only -15 here. you should move here.

me: :(

i can't believe he said that. i honestly believe he thinks in the back of his mind that i would change my mind and move there someday. him mentioning that could start another arguement. great.

it really sucks that he lives 3 hours away. i have went on dozens of dates over the past 3 years and rarely did any of those guys make it past the first date. and the 2 guys that i allowed myself to have feelings for weren't ready to be in a relationship and just wanted to be "friends". which i guess did work out for the best because looking back they were toolbags. now i find someone that makes me laugh, is caring, mature, and is a total sweetheart to me and i can't even see him when i want.

i really wouldn't move to his town to be with him. i know this is selfish and i should at least consider it but at this point that's not happening. i KNOW in my heart i would hate it there and grow to resent him because of it.

if he starts making more comments like he did this morning about me moving there, i'm gonna get pissed. every discussion we've had about the distance and our future, i've made it perfectly clear that i wouldn't move. and he said he likes the town i live in and had thought about moving here right after his divorce. he didn't because he got a huge raise to stay. if he likes it where i live and i hate it where he lives, then he should move here, right? and i don't mean like tomorrow or anything, i mean in a year or two (pending if things are still working out). i just feel so selfish for thinking this way, even if it is the truth.

i just have a feeling a year is going to go by and i'm going to end up getting my heart broken because of the distance. i can just see it...he won't be able to move because of his job. i know i shouldn't be so pessimistic, but things haven't ever worked out for me in the past so it's super hard to be postive about relationships in general.

i shouldn't think so far into the future but it's hard, especially with the feelings i have for him. i also think after 4 months of dating i'm putting the cart before the horse and i should live in the present. but i wouldn't even bother dating someone if i didn't see a future with them. and i do see a future with Bison, as long as he would move here. i honestly wouldn't even ask him to do that, but he had said he liked it here. so....am i really being selfish or just practical?

monday blues

i really really really hate mondays. the kids are wild and it's always the longest day of the week.

also it's freezing out...literally. weather.com says the temp is -10, but feels like -34. awesome, i guess i will not be going out and about to finish up my x-mas shopping.

the only good thing about mondays...Jon and Kate plus 8 and The Hills. need i say more? i am a tv junkie. i honest to god revolve my life around what is on tv. i told my landlords (my sister and her BF) that i would pay an extra $10 a month for DVR. they agreed to get it, but that was 3 months ago. i'll be lucky if i even see it before 2010.

also pink eye is going around work. i'm sure i'll wake up with a crusty eye tomorrow. i guess that wouldn't be SO bad cause i wouldn't have to go work...

Bison is coming up this weekend. i actually am really excited to see him, even though last time we hung out didn't go so hot. but i do miss him and am not yet annoyed. we have been dating for a little more than 4 months. this is quite an accomplishment for me! i just really hope it goes well, as i would be super bummed if it turned out like last time. esp since i already bought him a christmas present.

the weather outside is frightful

i did not make it back home this weekend due to the weather. this is what it looks like out...

it would be fabulous if work was canceled tomorrow.

i am beginning to not like christmas. i usually like buying things for people. but this year, nobody will tell me what they want and i still have like 3 gifts to give. i like to be done shopping by now, as i HATE crowded stores. when i am in a crowded store i honestly have a panic attack. i start sweating and get dizzy and want to get the heck out of there. i wanted to try to finish up by tomorrow, but-it is supposed to be -45 degrees with the wind chill...no joke. i doubt i will even be going to the bank to deposit my check.

my birthday is on wednesday but we are celebrating it today. and when i say we i mean me, my sister (K) and her boyfriend (D). i invited C over for supper, but i doubt she'll make it with the 6 ft tall snow drifts all over. K made me breakfast and is making me shrimp primavera for supper. and i think they got me a ice cream cake! whoo hoo!

Headin back home...

so i'm thinking things are okay with Bison and i. it was kinda awkward at first when we first started talking again, but finally i just said, "you know, i'm over it. i was furious with you but i'm ready to be done with it. lets move on from this." this is me being mature for probably the first time in relationship history.

i need to not sweat the small stuff. i should consider this to be a new year's resolution. sometimes i let the littlest crap bother me for no reason. there are bigger things that could have happened than Bison hanging up on me. now this doesn't mean that what he did was right, but he apologized (sort of) and hopefully it won't happen again.

i'm supposed to go back to my hometown this weekend to help my grandparents move and celebrate my mom's 50th bday. i really do love spending time with my family, although when its me, my mom and sister combined there tends to be a few arguments. my poor step dad....

it's supposed to also blizzard this weekend. and the last thing i want to happen is be stuck there with no way out! the weather channels keep changing the weather so still not sure if i'm going or not. i would love nothing more than to lay around all weekend in my sweats and watch tv.

apologies should be sincere...

so i had my phone off for most of the night last night, not wanting to talk to anyone. i turned it on to check messages before i went to sleep and had 4 texts from Bison. the last one said, "please don't ignore me". i felt bad so i texted him back and asked what he wanted.

he ended up calling me. Bison asked if i was mad and i told him i needed an apology for him hanging up on me. this is his apology..."I'm really sorry for hanging up on you babe, BUT I didn't like the things you were saying". wow...what a sincere apology!!! we talked for maybe ten minutes, the conversation ended with him saying he was going to bed and didn't want to argue anymore, which was more than fine by me.

we NEVER used to argue. i don't get it, and i really don't even understand what we're arguing about. in my opinion, relationships shouldn't be hard. they should be easy and fun. if it's gets stressful, then really what's the point?

relationships...good or bad?

i don't get relationships. i really don't think i'm meant to be in one. things were going SO good with bison. he met my whole family, we exchanged the L word, we talked about our future. perfect, right? i sure thought so until about 4 days ago.

we started talking about the distance thing (i know it hasn't been 3 months but it got brought up). we kinda were arguing about it and got off the phone angry. he emailed me and i read it last thursday. it more or less said that things have changed...before he knew he wanted to move to my town and would do anything for us to be together. this email more or less said that it now may not happen because of this new job. WTF?

i went to see him then on friday and things were...awkward. he said i was being standoffish. i honestely just didn't have anything to say and that email was on my mind. we talked about it a little on saturday and i thought things were good. we went for supper, went to a hockey game and went out for drinks after. a perfect night.

sunday came and not so perfect. we just started arguing about dumb stuff and he pretty much said he didn't know if there was a future for us. and THEN he told me he didn't think I wanted to be in a relationship. i said listen here buddy, i changed my myspace status, i call you my boyfriend, i tell my friends about you and you met my family. i know that's no big deal for some people, but that is flipping HUGE for me! i have never done those things for christsakes! i have made SO much progress in the last 4 months, i sometimes wonder what came over me. he didn't want me to leave angry so we sort of made up (which really means i was still pissed but said things were "fine").

so then i felt bad about things and called him last night to apologize and explain myself. i told him that his email scared me and made me want to put my walls back up to save myself the heartbreak. i said i was sorry, i just don't know how else to deal with things, as i've been hurt repeatedly in the past. i told him that that's me at my worst, and if he couldn't handle it i understood. and what did he do....HE FUCKING HUNG UP ON ME. yes, that man who didn't want me leaving until things were resolved hung up on me. and he wonders why i'm pesimistic about things...

i texted him:
me: did you really hang up on me right now?
him: i said goodnight. (i did NOT hear it)
me: wow.
him: i told you not to say those things anymore.
him: i wish you didn't say hurtful things to me.

like is this for real? he doesn't like something i say so he punishes me like i'm 4 and hangs up on me? wow...what a slap in the face. i have no desire to talk to him right now either...i think i would loose it. i cried so hard last night to the point that i almost threw up. i haven't felt that bad in years. so of course today i have a pounding headache and a puffy face.

i am quickly reminded that although relationships can sometimes be great, but the not-so-great stuff that comes along with it may not be worth it...i really just want to give up and say fuck it, as i am happy being single. i just really thought i had something with him...