Monday, December 29, 2008
i hate driving, esp by myself. while driving, i always get images of me getting into an accident. whether it be while passing a stupid semi truck and they lose control and run me off the road or me not paying attention to the road and and driving into the ditch. i think of these scenarios and then i have mini panic attack. i think i'm crazy because i think i like this. it's not normal to have such tragic thoughts.
i do this whenever i have friends and family traveling too. last summer my parents went on a motorcycles trip and i kept having thoughts of them getting into accidents. it went so far that i thought about what their funeral would be like and how i would sell their house. i made my mom call me and keep me updated at every stop they made, which i think kind of annoyed her although my stepdad kept reminding her to call me. these are horrible thoughts and i hate it. it's disturbing.
christmas was good, although i'm glad it's over. i went back to my hometown for 4 days. holidays are hard. my parents are divorced and it's difficult to find time for everyone.
i went to montana christmas day to see my dad's side of the family. i definitely am the outsider and feel like i'm not related to any of them. they are all small town people, farmers, drinkers and hunters. my uncle was already drunk at 10 am then proceeded to go shoot a deer at 2 pm. don't get me wrong, i am not against hunting, but i don't think its necessary to go hunting while being over the legal limit. my other uncle who has only lived on the farm his entire life (he's 40) kept making fun of me by saying i was a full time babysitter. that pissed me off completely but had to pretend it didn't. if he only had a clue what i went through on a daily basis he wouldn't even think to joke about it. teaching is nowhere near like babysitting. i love my family to death, but i was glad to leave that day.
i am so broke right now. i feel like i haven't been this broke since college and it sucks. i'm heading to see Bison today. i'm going to stay until saturday. 5 days...it's going to be a true test to see if i get annoyed or not. when i get home saturday i have to work at the bar. i offered to pick up as many shifts as i could since the money situation isn't looking so good for me right now. no one was too willing to give me their shift, but at least i got one. that's better than nothing.
Bison and i keep arguing about what to do new year's eve. i think it's overrated and i would rather stay home or do something somewhat low key. i've never had a fun new years eve...hopefully this year will be different. it'll be interesting to see what we end up doing.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
so Bison texted me this morning...this was our conversation
him: hey babe good morning, hope you have a great day! (he does this everyday, it's actually very sweet)
me: you too, i miss you!
him: is it cold there?
me: a little, the radio said -20...haha;)
him: oh, it's only -15 here. you should move here.
i can't believe he said that. i honestly believe he thinks in the back of his mind that i would change my mind and move there someday. him mentioning that could start another arguement. great.
it really sucks that he lives 3 hours away. i have went on dozens of dates over the past 3 years and rarely did any of those guys make it past the first date. and the 2 guys that i allowed myself to have feelings for weren't ready to be in a relationship and just wanted to be "friends". which i guess did work out for the best because looking back they were toolbags. now i find someone that makes me laugh, is caring, mature, and is a total sweetheart to me and i can't even see him when i want.
i really wouldn't move to his town to be with him. i know this is selfish and i should at least consider it but at this point that's not happening. i KNOW in my heart i would hate it there and grow to resent him because of it.
if he starts making more comments like he did this morning about me moving there, i'm gonna get pissed. every discussion we've had about the distance and our future, i've made it perfectly clear that i wouldn't move. and he said he likes the town i live in and had thought about moving here right after his divorce. he didn't because he got a huge raise to stay. if he likes it where i live and i hate it where he lives, then he should move here, right? and i don't mean like tomorrow or anything, i mean in a year or two (pending if things are still working out). i just feel so selfish for thinking this way, even if it is the truth.
i just have a feeling a year is going to go by and i'm going to end up getting my heart broken because of the distance. i can just see it...he won't be able to move because of his job. i know i shouldn't be so pessimistic, but things haven't ever worked out for me in the past so it's super hard to be postive about relationships in general.
i shouldn't think so far into the future but it's hard, especially with the feelings i have for him. i also think after 4 months of dating i'm putting the cart before the horse and i should live in the present. but i wouldn't even bother dating someone if i didn't see a future with them. and i do see a future with Bison, as long as he would move here. i honestly wouldn't even ask him to do that, but he had said he liked it here. so....am i really being selfish or just practical?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
it would be fabulous if work was canceled tomorrow.
i am beginning to not like christmas. i usually like buying things for people. but this year, nobody will tell me what they want and i still have like 3 gifts to give. i like to be done shopping by now, as i HATE crowded stores. when i am in a crowded store i honestly have a panic attack. i start sweating and get dizzy and want to get the heck out of there. i wanted to try to finish up by tomorrow, but-it is supposed to be -45 degrees with the wind chill...no joke. i doubt i will even be going to the bank to deposit my check.
my birthday is on wednesday but we are celebrating it today. and when i say we i mean me, my sister (K) and her boyfriend (D). i invited C over for supper, but i doubt she'll make it with the 6 ft tall snow drifts all over. K made me breakfast and is making me shrimp primavera for supper. and i think they got me a ice cream cake! whoo hoo!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
he ended up calling me. Bison asked if i was mad and i told him i needed an apology for him hanging up on me. this is his apology..."I'm really sorry for hanging up on you babe, BUT I didn't like the things you were saying". wow...what a sincere apology!!! we talked for maybe ten minutes, the conversation ended with him saying he was going to bed and didn't want to argue anymore, which was more than fine by me.
we NEVER used to argue. i don't get it, and i really don't even understand what we're arguing about. in my opinion, relationships shouldn't be hard. they should be easy and fun. if it's gets stressful, then really what's the point?
Monday, December 8, 2008
we started talking about the distance thing (i know it hasn't been 3 months but it got brought up). we kinda were arguing about it and got off the phone angry. he emailed me and i read it last thursday. it more or less said that things have changed...before he knew he wanted to move to my town and would do anything for us to be together. this email more or less said that it now may not happen because of this new job. WTF?
i went to see him then on friday and things were...awkward. he said i was being standoffish. i honestely just didn't have anything to say and that email was on my mind. we talked about it a little on saturday and i thought things were good. we went for supper, went to a hockey game and went out for drinks after. a perfect night.
sunday came and not so perfect. we just started arguing about dumb stuff and he pretty much said he didn't know if there was a future for us. and THEN he told me he didn't think I wanted to be in a relationship. i said listen here buddy, i changed my myspace status, i call you my boyfriend, i tell my friends about you and you met my family. i know that's no big deal for some people, but that is flipping HUGE for me! i have never done those things for christsakes! i have made SO much progress in the last 4 months, i sometimes wonder what came over me. he didn't want me to leave angry so we sort of made up (which really means i was still pissed but said things were "fine").
so then i felt bad about things and called him last night to apologize and explain myself. i told him that his email scared me and made me want to put my walls back up to save myself the heartbreak. i said i was sorry, i just don't know how else to deal with things, as i've been hurt repeatedly in the past. i told him that that's me at my worst, and if he couldn't handle it i understood. and what did he do....HE FUCKING HUNG UP ON ME. yes, that man who didn't want me leaving until things were resolved hung up on me. and he wonders why i'm pesimistic about things...
i texted him:
me: did you really hang up on me right now?
him: i said goodnight. (i did NOT hear it)
him: i told you not to say those things anymore.
him: i wish you didn't say hurtful things to me.
like is this for real? he doesn't like something i say so he punishes me like i'm 4 and hangs up on me? wow...what a slap in the face. i have no desire to talk to him right now either...i think i would loose it. i cried so hard last night to the point that i almost threw up. i haven't felt that bad in years. so of course today i have a pounding headache and a puffy face.
i am quickly reminded that although relationships can sometimes be great, but the not-so-great stuff that comes along with it may not be worth it...i really just want to give up and say fuck it, as i am happy being single. i just really thought i had something with him...