Monday, December 8, 2008

relationships...good or bad?

i don't get relationships. i really don't think i'm meant to be in one. things were going SO good with bison. he met my whole family, we exchanged the L word, we talked about our future. perfect, right? i sure thought so until about 4 days ago.

we started talking about the distance thing (i know it hasn't been 3 months but it got brought up). we kinda were arguing about it and got off the phone angry. he emailed me and i read it last thursday. it more or less said that things have changed...before he knew he wanted to move to my town and would do anything for us to be together. this email more or less said that it now may not happen because of this new job. WTF?

i went to see him then on friday and things were...awkward. he said i was being standoffish. i honestely just didn't have anything to say and that email was on my mind. we talked about it a little on saturday and i thought things were good. we went for supper, went to a hockey game and went out for drinks after. a perfect night.

sunday came and not so perfect. we just started arguing about dumb stuff and he pretty much said he didn't know if there was a future for us. and THEN he told me he didn't think I wanted to be in a relationship. i said listen here buddy, i changed my myspace status, i call you my boyfriend, i tell my friends about you and you met my family. i know that's no big deal for some people, but that is flipping HUGE for me! i have never done those things for christsakes! i have made SO much progress in the last 4 months, i sometimes wonder what came over me. he didn't want me to leave angry so we sort of made up (which really means i was still pissed but said things were "fine").

so then i felt bad about things and called him last night to apologize and explain myself. i told him that his email scared me and made me want to put my walls back up to save myself the heartbreak. i said i was sorry, i just don't know how else to deal with things, as i've been hurt repeatedly in the past. i told him that that's me at my worst, and if he couldn't handle it i understood. and what did he do....HE FUCKING HUNG UP ON ME. yes, that man who didn't want me leaving until things were resolved hung up on me. and he wonders why i'm pesimistic about things...

i texted him:
me: did you really hang up on me right now?
him: i said goodnight. (i did NOT hear it)
me: wow.
him: i told you not to say those things anymore.
him: i wish you didn't say hurtful things to me.

like is this for real? he doesn't like something i say so he punishes me like i'm 4 and hangs up on me? wow...what a slap in the face. i have no desire to talk to him right now either...i think i would loose it. i cried so hard last night to the point that i almost threw up. i haven't felt that bad in years. so of course today i have a pounding headache and a puffy face.

i am quickly reminded that although relationships can sometimes be great, but the not-so-great stuff that comes along with it may not be worth it...i really just want to give up and say fuck it, as i am happy being single. i just really thought i had something with him...

1 comment:

Keep moving forward said...

That totally sucks!! I am so sorry you are going through that. "husband" came over tonight, and we talked it was weird. i have no idea who to believe...aargh i will hopefully blog about it tomorrow. I was kinda looking forward to being single, I was finally getting the hang of it:-) how bout we just say F it to all them and move to CO..haha:-)