LD relationships suck

omg...today my students drove me NUTS! they were loud all day, they were whiny, and argued with each other every chance they got. i wanted to lock them in the classroom and just let them duke it out with each other and the last one standing wins. i know thats horrible to say, but it was really that bad of a day. i told them i hope they behave better tomorrow cause it's my birthday. guilt usually works with 4 year olds.

so Bison texted me this morning...this was our conversation

him: hey babe good morning, hope you have a great day! (he does this everyday, it's actually very sweet)

me: you too, i miss you!

him: is it cold there?

me: a little, the radio said -20...haha;)

him: oh, it's only -15 here. you should move here.

me: :(

i can't believe he said that. i honestly believe he thinks in the back of his mind that i would change my mind and move there someday. him mentioning that could start another arguement. great.

it really sucks that he lives 3 hours away. i have went on dozens of dates over the past 3 years and rarely did any of those guys make it past the first date. and the 2 guys that i allowed myself to have feelings for weren't ready to be in a relationship and just wanted to be "friends". which i guess did work out for the best because looking back they were toolbags. now i find someone that makes me laugh, is caring, mature, and is a total sweetheart to me and i can't even see him when i want.

i really wouldn't move to his town to be with him. i know this is selfish and i should at least consider it but at this point that's not happening. i KNOW in my heart i would hate it there and grow to resent him because of it.

if he starts making more comments like he did this morning about me moving there, i'm gonna get pissed. every discussion we've had about the distance and our future, i've made it perfectly clear that i wouldn't move. and he said he likes the town i live in and had thought about moving here right after his divorce. he didn't because he got a huge raise to stay. if he likes it where i live and i hate it where he lives, then he should move here, right? and i don't mean like tomorrow or anything, i mean in a year or two (pending if things are still working out). i just feel so selfish for thinking this way, even if it is the truth.

i just have a feeling a year is going to go by and i'm going to end up getting my heart broken because of the distance. i can just see it...he won't be able to move because of his job. i know i shouldn't be so pessimistic, but things haven't ever worked out for me in the past so it's super hard to be postive about relationships in general.

i shouldn't think so far into the future but it's hard, especially with the feelings i have for him. i also think after 4 months of dating i'm putting the cart before the horse and i should live in the present. but i wouldn't even bother dating someone if i didn't see a future with them. and i do see a future with Bison, as long as he would move here. i honestly wouldn't even ask him to do that, but he had said he liked it here. so....am i really being selfish or just practical?